Purity

September 11, 2015 By Sam Guzman 13 Comments

Fight or Die: 12 Weapons for Combatting Porn Addiction

Porn is an epidemic. There’s no other way to put it. Sixty-eight (68) percent of young adult men say they look at porn at least once a week. Sixty-four (64) percent of Christian men say they look at porn at least once a month. There were 1.5 billion searches for pornography since the beginning of the year. Those are staggering statistics (source).

So porn is a problem. There is no doubt about it. Porn affects men of all ages and backgrounds—and it is increasingly becoming a problem for women, too. No one is immune. And tragically, it is an addiction that is destroying families, lives, and souls almost as devastatingly as drugs or alcohol.

The good news is, there is hope and help to be found. No man needs to be a victim to his addictions. Today, I want to give you 13 weapons to combat the soul-destroying evil of porn.

1. Covenant Eyes

An internet filter is a must for any man wanting to stay pure. Covenant Eyes is one of the most popular filters out there. Not only does it block sites that are dangerous, it emails a regular report of your internet activity to a trusted accountability partner. Learn more about it here.

2. K9 Web Protection

If you’re looking for basic, free internet filtering without too many bells and whistles, K9 may be what you are looking for. It’s free, easy to set up, and has a lot of customizable options, such as strictness levels and reporting. They also have an iPhone app that can bring basic filtering to your phone. Download K9 Web Protection here.

3. X3 Watch Accountability Software

Accountability can be one of the most effective antidotes to pornography addiction. While there’s other software choices out there, X3 Watch is one of the best and simplest to use. It has apps for desktop and mobile, and it’s relatively affordable. It will send a daily report of any visits to questionable websites to the accountability partner of your choice. It can’t be uninstalled or deactivated without your partner knowing, either. Download X3 Watch here.

4. The Victory App

Some of the keys to overcoming any addiction are having a plan of attack, knowing your triggers, and tracking your progress. The Victory App, produced by LifeTeen, can help you do just that. The Victory App is a free battle tracker that helps your journal your progress, and it includes motivational wisdom from chastity speakers Matt Fradd and Mark Hart. Download The Victory App for iPhone and Android.

5. Battle Tracker

Battle Tracker is based on the same concept as The Victory App—it helps you track and journal your progress in your fight against addiction. The only difference is that is an analog book instead of a digital app. Buy a copy of Battle Tracker here.

6. The Angelic Warfare Confraternity

The fight against porn is ultimately a battle for your soul, and a spiritual battle calls for spiritual weapons. Thousands of men attest that they have been helped towards chastity by enrolling in the Angelic Warfare Confraternity. The Angelic Warfare Confraternity consists of daily prayers calling on the intercession of Our Lady and St. Thomas Aquinas for the grace of chastity. Learn more about it here.

7. St. Joseph Cord

The Church refers to St. Joseph as Mary’s “most chaste spouse,” and the saints tell us that purity was one of St. Joseph’s special virtues. Accordingly, the St. Joseph Cord, or cincture, has been a popular sacramental worn in honor of St. Joseph and as a silent prayer to obtain the special grace of chastity. Learn more about this devotion here or buy one here.

8. Reclaim Sexual Health

Reclaim Sexual Health is a faith-based ministry using both modern brain science and Catholic teaching to help men overcome sexual addictions. The program combines brain training exercises, prayer, community support, and more, and it is both interactive and completely anonymous. Learn more here.

9. The Fortify Program

The Fortify Program is produced by the anti-porn organization Fight the New Drug. It’s similar to Reclaim Sexual Health in that it uses brain science to fight porn. The main difference is that it is not faith based. It includes video lessons, digital apps, personalized strategies and more. Learn about it here.

10. Confession

When we sin, it is easy to be ashamed and to want to keep our sin a secret. But this is very dangerous. Confession is the sacrament of healing. It not only frees us from our sin and guilt, it also gives us the grace we need to live a holy life. When you fall, confess your sins as soon as possible.

11. The Eucharist

The Eucharist is a powerhouse of strength. That’s because it is God himself. Thousands of saints attest that there is no remedy for sin more powerful than frequent reception of Jesus in the Holy Eucharist. Receive often, receive with devotion and it can change your life.

12. Marian Consecration

To be holy, we need grace, and the channel of all grace is Mary, the Mediatrix of all graces. When you are close to her, you are close to both the Holy Spirit and all the graces you need to overcome in the struggle against sin. Stay close to the Blessed Virgin Mary, invoke her often, and you will overcome. I can attest that Marian consecration has changed my life. Learn more about Marian consecration here.

Conclusion

No one is immune from temptations to pornography, but no one need be a victim, either. I hope these tools can help you achieve victory in the battle for chastity.

But above all, realize that the key to freedom from addiction is the will to fight without letup. The minute you quit fighting, you lose—perhaps forever. In the words of the author of the spiritual class, The Spiritual Combat, “You either fight or die.” Your soul is worth the struggle.

April 16, 2015 By Sam Guzman 39 Comments

Porn Destroyed My Marriage and I Hate It

Last week, I wrote a post about how dangerous porn is; how it destroys your relationships with God and others, how it kills your soul, and how it enslaves you.

Perhaps some thought I was exaggerating or simply being shrill. That’s why I want to share a real-life story left in the comments of last week’s post, describing how porn destroyed one woman’s marriage. It is shared with permission of the author. I hope that it will reinforce the point that porn is neither a harmless nor a solitary sin, but that it can ruin your life and steal everything that you hold dear.

Porn Destroyed My Marriage

My marriage was utterly destroyed by porn. I tried everything to help my husband stop, but because he had been looking at and using porn from age 9 when he found his oh-so-Catholic father’s magazines, he would not stop. I did not know he had this problem till 6 years into our marriage. We have 4 beautiful children, 3 of which are girls. Financial malfeasance often accompanies this addiction, and he was no exception. He ruined us financially and still stayed up hours every night downloading porn. He had a membership to the sex video shop, secret bank accounts, secret computer accounts…. I could go on and on. I dragged him to our priest, he went on retreats, I cried buckets, got angry, begged. To no avail. I finally had to ask him to leave. He did and I gave him six months to show me some real change and work to try to correct this horrible thing that had destroyed our marriage.

He did not change. I am now a working single mother rather than a stay at home, homeschooling mother. Our four children are now in public school. I am financially ruined, and he doesn’t even pay his child support as ordered.

THIS is the truth of what porn does to marriage. It destroyed not only my marriage, but gutted my children and my life. His addiction almost cost me my faith because the priest did no more than tell my husband he needed to stop. No real harsh spiritual counseling. I HATE PORNOGRAPHY. My husband is lost in it. He already exposed our son to it. His father, whose magazines he found is lost in it. His father progressed to molesting his own granddaughters, one of them MY daughter.

So any man who thinks that porn doesn’t kill the soul of the person using it, or that it doesn’t destroy the bonds of marriage, is a fool. It captures you, and you will give up everything and everybody for it. You will view all women as objects to be used. Your heart will become hardened to the pleas of your wife. You will completely and utterly destroy her. And your marriage.

I had to save my children and myself. I did not want to divorce, and I spent 8 soul crushing years trying to save our marriage. But at the end of the day, porn won. Lust won. Selfishness won.

My children and I lost.

And so did the man I married.

April 9, 2015 By Sam Guzman 51 Comments

9 Reasons to Kick Porn to the Curb

Forget Ebola, porn is the real plague consuming our society. It is an epidemic of massive proportions and a growing public health crisis. The vast majority of men admit they regularly look at it: Lawyers, doctors, pastors, priests, husbands, it doesn’t matter. And despite the best efforts or protective parents, every child will be exposed to it sooner or later. As one expert on the issue says, it is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when.

I wish I could say Catholic men were better than the rest of society, but it isn’t true. Catholics, and indeed all Christians, view pornography at essentially the exact same rate as non-Christian men. This is tragic.

I could go on, but we know pornography is a real problem. So what to do about it? We need to kick porn to the curb. Mercilessly. If pornography is present in your life, you need to put a gun to its head and pull the trigger. Stop messing around. Stop tolerating its presence in your life. Get ruthless with it and take action.

Here are ten compelling reasons to kill porn in your life.

1. It hurts real women

A lot of times we get the impression that porn is harmless. We are duped into thinking that the women in porn videos are really enjoying themselves and that they are all performing by choice. Wrong. It’s a lie. Countless porn stars who have left the industry have told stories of physical and emotional abuse, coercion, self-harm, depression, violence, and attempted suicide. They say vehemently that being a porn star was miserable, not fun.

That’s not to mention the millions of women who are illegal trafficked and sold as slaves to feed the porn industry, as well as those are who are sold into prostitution to serve the fantasies of men who want to act out porn videos. Make no mistake, porn harms real life women. And every time you watch a video or look at an image, you are causing untold pain to millions of women and children who deserves to be loved and cherished, not abused and objectified.

2. It kills love

Marriages have been ripped apart by pornography. Some men sneak their porn use. Other men look at it openly. Either way, porn destroys intimacy. Watching pornography sticks a knife deep into the heart of your spouse. It causes her to lose all trust. It tells her she will never be good enough, can never measure up. It makes a mockery of your marriage vows. It plants the seeds of bitterness and resentment. It causes her deep pain, emotional and spiritual. Men, if you have any love in your heart for your wife, stop looking at pornography.

3. It causes you to enjoy sex less

A recent survey revealed that a growing number of men prefer pornography to real sex. Why? Because it’s easier. With the click of a button, you have infinite access to seemingly endless airbrushed women doing things no wife in her right mind would ever do. You don’t even have to worry about giving pleasure to another person—porn is all about you. In comparison, real sex feels like a chore. Many men are even reporting they can no longer become aroused enough to have sex with real women. Basically, it ruins your sex life.

4. It warps your view of women

The absolute fastest way to distort your view of women is to watch pornography. In porn, women are just objects, playthings. They have no emotions, no needs, no soul. They are just instruments of gratification. You simply can’t watch women being abused and objectified in the most horrible ways on screen countless times and expect to have a healthy view of real-life women. It simply isn’t possible. News flash: Women are real human beings with emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. They have a soul that will live forever. They deserve your respect and protection, not lust.

Men, do you really want to view your sisters in Christ as so much fresh meat? Because that’s what will happen if you look at porn. You will not look below the surface and see a woman as made in the image of God. Instead, you will begin to fantasize about her as if she were your plaything. This is wrong. This is evil. And it’s what porn does.

5. It extinguishes God’s grace in your soul

A mortal sin is a sin which destroys God’s love in your soul. It is a sin that is so grave, so heinous that it separates us from God, leaving your soul cold and lifeless and hellbound. You can make all the excuses you want, but looking at pornography is a mortal sin and it charts you on a course to hell. St. Paul makes it clear: Those who tolerate sexual sin in their lives “shall not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:19-21). You can either have heaven or porn, but not both. Take your pick.

6. It gets worse with time

Porn very quickly becomes an addiction like crack or meth. And the thing about addictions is that they always get worse. Sure, you may start innocently enough, spending just a little too much time looking at an ad featuring scantily clad women. But then you enter a Google search, and then another one. Months go by and things get boring. It takes more and more extreme stuff to get you excited. Soon you are watching things that would have horrified you only a short time ago. And no matter how much you see, it is never enough.

Those child abusers you read about? It’s easy to hate them, but they didn’t start out that way. They started out just like you, thinking they could handle the poison of porn. But they couldn’t, and neither can you. Unchecked, porn will consume your life and leave you an empty lust-filled shell of a human being—or worse yet, behind bars. Is that really what you want?

7. It makes you selfish

This one should be pretty obvious, but when you are spending hours gratifying yourself with obscene images, you begin to become obsessed with yourself. Instead of embracing the sacrifice required by true love, you begin to view others as objects designed to serve your needs and wants—just like the fantasy women on the screen. Instead of giving and serving like Christ, you become obsessed with taking and consuming. You become self-centered, angry, abusive without even realizing it. You become a narcissist that uses others instead of loving them.

8. It steals your joy

Porn leaves you guilt ridden and miserable. No matter how much we lie to ourselves, we know deep down that porn is wrong. And every time we look at it, our conscience naturally bothers us. Even if we go to confession about it a few times, the next failure leaves us discouraged and depressed and ready to despair. Soon, the devil tempts us to give up on our spiritual lives altogether. “The struggle isn’t worth it,” he whispers in our ears, “Just throw in the towel.” In short, we become like Adam in the garden, hiding from the presence of God.

This is not how Jesus wants us to live our lives. He redeemed us with his precious blood to bring us peace and joy and abundant life, not fear and shame. If you want a newfound joy in your spiritual life, reject porn.

9. It makes you a slave

Before we were baptized, we were the devils slaves. Ruled by our passions and lusts, we were driven around helplessly like so much cattle. But Christ redeemed us, and when we were baptized, he freed us from this cruel slavery and brought us into the freedom of the sons of God. If you’re baptized, you are dead to sin and alive to God. You share in the freedom of Jesus Christ, and you are “no longer a slave but a son” (Gal. 4:7).

The problem is, when we become addicted to sin, we are willingly entering back into the slavery of the devil. It’s like the son of a royal king going down to the slave market and offering himself for sale. It’s insanity. Embrace your freedom as a child of God, and throw off the yoke of the devil’s slavery. Kick porn to the curb.

Get Violent

Jesus was gentle with everyone and everything—except sin. When it came to sin, Jesus took no prisoners. His advice? Pluck it out. Cut it off. No one coasts into heaven, he tells us, but rather “men of violence take it by force” (Matt. 11:12). Are you violent with sin in your life? You should be. People who have cancer don’t tolerate it. People with leprosy don’t tolerate it. People with ebola don’t tolerate it. So why on earth do you tolerate sin?

Men, if you are addicted to porn, don’t put up with it any longer. Take it down. Beat it mercilessly. Show it who’s boss. Fight it as if your life depended on it, because in so many ways, it really does.

—

Resources:

Covenant Eyes Internet Filter

Reclaim Sexual Health Addiction Recovery Program (Catholic)

Fortify Recovery Program (Secular)

Fight the New Drug

July 16, 2014 By Tyler Blanski 15 Comments

Made for Pillows? Men, Boredom, and Pornography

Pornography is not free speech. Pornography is pernicious. So why do so many men look at pornography? I would like to suggest to you that the reason so many men look at pornography is not only lust, but boredom. Brothers, if you struggle with pornography, it’s time to ask yourself a question: What would Uriah do?

The Story of David and Uriah

The story of David and Uriah is the story of two men and one woman. Even more, it’s the story of two men and one battle—and every man is called to fight a battle. In my book, Mud & Poetry: Love, Sex, and the Sacred, I zoom in on King David as an example of how the listlessness and dissatisfaction that come from not fighting the battles we’re called to fight lead us into sexual snares. It was not lust but boredom that led David down the same path that so many men today have trod. It was a couch. It was a lazy springtime day and too much free time. Listen:

“In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, when David sent Joab with his officers and all Israel with him; they ravaged the Ammonites, and besieged Rabbah. But David remained at home in Jerusalem” (2 Samuel 11:1).

Springtime is when crops are sown, new wells are dug, and “kings go out to battle.” All the vitality of David’s masculinity pounds within him, all the springtime energy to fight battles and defend his kingdom stirs in his heart, and yet…he stays at home. The story continues:

“It happened, late one afternoon, when David rose from his couch and was walking about on the roof of his house, that he saw from the roof a woman bathing; the woman was very beautiful” (2 Samuel 11:2).

All the energy, the energy of a lion, the springtime energy that no man can cage without killing, only harness, all this energy piles upon itself in the springtime heat, and David is…just lounging around. While his men fight in the fields, David lies on his couch, restless and bored. And look at what happens next:

“So David sent messengers to get her, and she came to him, and he lay with her” (2 Samuel 11:4).

The woman’s name is Bathsheba, and she is Uriah’s wife. After David “lays with her,” Bathsheba conceives. Backpedaling, David sends for her husband, Uriah, who is out fighting David’s war for him. David asks Uriah how his friends are doing, how the war is going, and then tells him to go down to his house and “wash his feet,” which is an old way of saying, “make love to your wife.” David hopes to cover his tracks.

But Uriah doesn’t go home and sleep his wife! Instead, he sleeps at the door of the king’s house with the servants. David is shocked that a soldier on leave wouldn’t go home to his own wife. But listen to passion and conviction in Uriah’s reply:

“The ark and Israel and Judah remain in booths, and…the servants of my lord are camping in the open field; shall I then go to my house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? As you live, and as your soul lives, I will not do such a thing” (2 Samuel 11:11).

Desperate, David gets him drunk. But even then Uriah will not go home. He is committed to king David and to Israel, focused on the task before him. Finally, David secretly has Uriah murdered, and then marries Uriah’s wife, Bathsheba, who bears him a son. “But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD” (2 Samuel 12:1).

Made for Pillows?

The tale of David and Uriah is the tale of two men and one battle—and every man is called to fight a battle. But while Uriah wages war, David sits on a couch all day and ends up sleeping with Uriah’s wife—and ends up murdering a righteous man to cover his tracks.

What we learn from the story of David and Uriah is that men were not made for pillows. We need battles to fight. We need causes and righteousness and vocation and work. Sin begets sin. The monster you feed is the monster that grows. It was not only lust that led King David down the path that so many men today have trod on their computers. It was boredom. It was a couch and all the time in the world.

David’s sloth reminds me of a few lines from Marcus Aurelius’ The Meditations. When you do not want to get off your couch, he says you should have this thought in mind:

“I rise to do a man’s work. Was I born for pleasure, to feel things, and not to do them? Was I made for pillows?”

King David slept with Uriah’s wife because he was gawking at her from his rooftop. He was gawking at her from his rooftop because he was hot and bored and tired of sitting on his couch. And he was tired of sitting on his couch because it was springtime and while his men were out fighting for the kingdom he was immured in pillows. David was not living like a man but a baby. He had surrendered fierceness for a small gain in yardage. He had traded in a life of spiritual abundance for a life of spiritual scarcity.

And today so many men have followed David’s example with abundant free time and a strong internet connection. They’ve preferred pillows to the battle plains, and have put down their swords and shields and tiptoed away from spiritual combat. They have forgotten the battle cry of Uriah.

Made for More?

I own a small, torn paperback of John Steinbeck’s Travels with Charley. Steinbeck’s words on fierceness and old age in the first chapter remind me of David’s plight:

“I did not want to surrender fierceness for a small gain in yardage. My wife married a man; I saw no reason why she should inherit a baby.”

Steinbeck was fifty-eight when he wrote those lines, and he sought adventure, not a television. Steinbeck wanted life, and life to the full—and this is exactly what Jesus says he will give us, “Life, and life abundantly.”

God’s Kingdom is not sleeping. There is no room in the Church for timid, safe nesting. Righteousness is won in spiritual combat, in writing poetry, in serving the poor, in cruciform fatherhood and husbandry, in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. God’s Kingdom and righteousness will not be found in pillows. So “seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness” (Matt. 6:33). Charge the field. Consider the sluggard and do not imitate his ways.

Pornography is not free speech. Pornography is pernicious. So why do so many men settle for pornography? I would like to suggest to you that the reason so many men settle for pornography is because they surrender themselves to spiritual sloth. Like David, they forget they are called to be spiritual warriors on the battlefield of the human heart. Brothers, if you find yourself restless or bored, lonely or listless, for the sake of the Kingdom it’s time to ask yourself a question: What would Uriah do? If you are struggling with pornography, for the sake of your soul it’s time to join Uriah’s battle cry: “I will not do such a thing!”

Tyler Blanski is a writer who possesses a beard of medieval proportions. Tyler is the author of When Donkeys Talk and Mud and Poetry.

June 12, 2014 By Sam Guzman 54 Comments

Custody of the Eyes: What it is and How to Practice It

Oh! how many are lost by indulging their sight! – St. Alphonsus de Ligouri

If your eye offends you, pluck it out. – Jesus

We live in a hyper-sexualized, even pornified culture, and if you’re a man who wants to be pure, you’re going to be involved in a constant warfare against lust. Everything from toothpaste commercials to weight loss ads have some sort of sexual spin. After all, as they say, sex sells.

Then there is the rampant immodesty in women’s dress (even in church, sadly), including mini-shorts, crop tops, and leggings worn as pants. Popular TV shows are filled with graphic sex, and celebrities dress in see-through clothing—that is, when they aren’t releasing nude photos of themselves.

Now, these temptations are so powerful because they involve our sight—one of the most potent of our senses, especially for us men. What we see is indelibly etched into our memories, and we can never truly un-see anything. Additionally, our sight has a powerful connection to what we want. Radio ads will never be as effective as TV ads, because hearing simply isn’t as strong a sense as sight.

Today I want to talk about an ancient Catholic practice that can help us combat temptations to lust: Custodia occulorum, or custody of the eyes.

What is it

At its most basic level, custody of the eyes simply means controlling what you allow yourself to see. It means guarding your sense of sight carefully, realizing that what you view will leave an indelible mark on your soul.

Many of the saints, in their zeal for purity, would never look anyone in the face. “To avoid the sight of dangerous objects, the saints were accustomed to keep their eyes almost continually fixed on the earth, and to abstain even from looking at innocent objects,” says St. Alphonsus de Liguori.

Now, staring at the floor at all times is a bit extreme for most of us, but it does demonstrate the seriousness with which the saints viewed the importance of purity. They teach us that is simply impossible to allow hundreds of immodest images into our minds, however innocently, and remain pure.

Of course, to the modern mind, this guarding of the eyes is rather quaint and even ridiculous. How prudish, many would think, to think that we should exercise any control over what we see. And yet, if we care about our souls, we have no other option.

How to Practice It

The best place to begin practicing custody of the eyes is in the things which we can control, such as movies, magazines, or television shows. If your favorite TV show has a sex scene every 5 minutes, you need to cut it out of your life. It’s not worth the temptation. In short, don’t consume things that are occasions of sin. Carelessly putting yourself in spiritual danger in this way is a grave sin itself, so take it seriously.

It’s actually rather easy to edit what you consume. But what about the things we can’t control, such as the immodestly dressed woman walking past you? This takes far more prayer-fueled discipline and practice. That said, here are some suggestions.

First, if you’re struggling with the way a woman is dressed, immediately look at her face. I don’t care how beautiful a woman is, it is essentially impossible to lust after someone’s face. The face is the icon of each person’s humanity, and it is far easier to respect a woman’s dignity when you’re looking at her face and not her body.

Second, it may just be appropriate to stare at the floor sometimes, especially if there’s no other way to avoid temptation. This doesn’t have to be the norm, but if the situation warrants it, it is foolish not to do so.

Third, avoid places you know are especially problematic for you. For most men, the beach is a problem. Dozens of women in tiny bikinis is just too much. If that’s the case for you, avoid the beach.

Finally, fast and pray. This should go without saying, and yet I am always amazed that men think they can control themselves without God’s help. It simply isn’t possible. We always need grace in the battle against concupiscence, and if we trust in ourselves and our own willpower, we will do nothing but fail.

Conclusion

Yes, temptation is everywhere, but we are not helpless victims. We must take the need for purity seriously, and that means guarding carefully what we allow ourselves to see. Through prayer, fasting, and practice, we can learn to take control of our eyes and avoid temptation. This isn’t quaint and archaic—it’s basic to spiritual survival.

Let us call upon our most pure Lady and her chaste husband St. Joseph, begging their intercession for our purity.