This post is part of an ongoing series on healing from pornography addiction. Read more posts in this series here.

One of the most difficult obstacles to overcome for both the pornography user and his/her spouse is shame.  In order to understand shame, we need to distinguish it from guilt: 

• Guilt:  An emotion that focuses on actions.  This is an emotion that convicts a person when he/she has done something wrong and compels them to apologize and make amends.  In 2 Samuel 12 Nathan confronts King David about his guilt over killing Uriah.  This leads King David to repent and be reconciled with God and the people of Israel.
• Shame: An emotion that focuses on the worth of a person.  It leads a person to believe that because of what they’ve done, or what has been done to them, they are terrible, worthless persons.  They feel they need to hide their actions and not let anyone truly know them.  They believe if others knew the truth about them, they would be rejected, humiliated, ridiculed and ostracized.  This leads a person to hide behind a façade that makes it appear that everything is fine in their life.  Really, it forces them to live in isolation where the addiction can fester and grow.  Genesis 3 describes how Adam and Eve covered themselves and his because they were naked.  The shame they experienced because of their sin led them to doubt their worth and to hide for fear of being discovered by God.

As you can see, guilt is actually a good emotion.  It leads people to take ownership of their words and actions and to make corrections where needed.  This can lead to reconciliation and stronger, healthier relationships.  It can also strengthen a person’s self-worth.  Shame is a negative emotion.  It leads people to hide, thus preventing them from making amends and restoring relationships.  It can result in deeply wounded relationships and lowered self-worth.  Because of their need to hide, they never let anyone truly know them.  This prevents true intimacy from developing and fosters loneliness (Parker & Thomas, 2009).

When dealing with pornography addiction and sexual infidelity, the addict, the spouse, and the couple experience shame in unique ways.  The addicted person feels shameful because of his/her sexual sins.  There is the belief that because of their sins they are bad people who could never be loved by anyone, including God.  Spouses feel shame because of the hurt, betrayal and rejection they feel as a result of the pornography use and sexual infidelity.  They may blame themselves for it believing they are bad spouses.  The couple may feel shame because of the deep wounds that have been inflicted upon their marriage.  This can be especially difficult if they hold positions of esteem in their church or community.  They may feel they need to present the image of having the perfect marriage when in reality their marriage has been torn apart.  For the addicted person, the spouse, and the couple there is the constant fear of what others might think of them if their wounds were made public.  

To overcome shame of any kind, one must reach out for help.  Because of the fears associated with shame, many individuals and couples find it very difficult to reach out.  Many will spend months unsuccessfully trying to resolve this issue on their own.  Unable to succeed some will simply give up and live in shame, trapped in their addiction.  Others will recognize their powerlessness and reach out for help.  Those are the ones who are more likely to find freedom from this affliction.  

If you are struggling with shame because of pornography use, I encourage you to reach out for help.  There are many trained professionals, including counselors, coaches, and clergy who can help you with the healing process which includes letting go of shame.

References

Parker, Stephen and Rebecca Thomas. “Psychological differences in shame vs. guilt:

Implications for mental health counselors.” Journal of mental health counseling, July 31, 

2009.

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Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in Conshohocken, PA. Dr. Kleponis has over 18 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, and pornography/sexual addiction recovery. He works with individuals and couples from around the United States and internationally in-person, by phone, and by Skype. For more information see his website, www.peterkleponis.com

Tom was noticeably upset as he described his frustration with pornography use.  It seemed that every day at work he would end up going online and viewing pornography.  No matter what he tried, he always seemed to fall into the same pattern.  For Tom, the root causes of his internet porn use were boredom, isolation, and access to the internet.

As a sales rep for a large chemical company, Tom worked mainly from his home office.  He also traveled a lot.  While he enjoyed meeting new people, Tom was bored with his career.  He had been selling the same products for over five years.  While the money was good, he was tired of repeating the same sales speal over and over again.  In his company, there did not appear to be much room for advancement for Tom or the opportunity to sell other products.

Tom was also bored with his life.  It seemed there was no excitement in it; nothing to look forward to.  He loved his wife and kids, but it felt like he was on the same treadmill day after day.

Not only was Tom bored, he was isolated.  When he wasn’t on the road, he spent most of his days in a small home office making phone calls to current and potential clients.  Other than the people he spoke to over the phone, Tom had no social interaction all day long.  When he did talk to people, it was strictly business.  This left him feeling very lonely.  His home office started to feel like a prison cell.  As Tom looked out the window, he couldn’t help feeling that life was just passing him by.  When he traveled, Tom always ended up alone in a hotel room at the end of the day.  This was also very isolated and lonely.

It’s not hard to understand how his boredom and isolation could lead Tom to crave excitement in his life.  This is where Tom turned to the internet.  At first he would surf the web reading news and watching movies.  However, they too became boring.  This led him to internet pornography.  The shot of dopamine his brain received gave him a thrill which helped get him through his day.  However, Tom knew this only created more problems for him.  As he became addicted to it, Tom spent less time working and more time watching porn.  This affected his work performance.  It also affected his relationship with his wife and kids.  Instead of spending time with them, he chose to isolate himself with the internet.  Thus, what initially seemed like a solution to his boredom and isolation only created a bigger problem for Tom.

For Tom, the real solution was making changes in his career, and his life, to relieve the boredom and isolation.  He found a new job where he worked in an office every day with other people.  There was also more room for advancement in his new job.  While still in sales, he didn’t need to travel as much.  At home, he made an intentional effort to spend more time with his wife and kids, and less time with technology.  All of this eased his boredom and isolation and helped him to eliminate his pornography use.

If you are struggling with pornography use, consider how boredom and isolation might be driving you to the internet and pornography.  By making small, and big, changes to your life, you can dramatically reduce your boredom and isolation.  This can lead to a happier, more fulfilling life without porn.

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Peter C. Kleponis, Ph.D., SATP-C is a Licensed Clinical Therapist and Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services in Conshohocken, PA. Dr. Kleponis has over 18 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, and pornography/sexual addiction recovery. He works with individuals and couples from around the United States and internationally in-person, by phone, and by Skype. For more information see his website, www.peterkleponis.com

Pornography addiction is an uncomfortable topic, and many would rather ignore its prevalence. But in a world where over half of men regularly look at pornography at least once per week, ignoring it would be foolish. It is causing real harm to individuals, marriages, and families and crippling men’s ability to lead as they desire to.

In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Peter Kleponis to discuss the problem of porn and ways men can heal.

Dr. Kleponis has over 20 years of professional experience working with individuals, couples, families, and organizations. He specializes in marriage & family therapy, pastoral counseling, resolving anger, men’s issues, and pornography addiction recovery.

Among the issues we discussed are:

• The prevalence of pornography addiction
• What makes porn so attractive to men
• What porn does to your brain and body
• The dangers of early exposure
• The 5 reasons porn is incredibly addictive
• The role of emotions in pornography use
• The number one key to beating pornography
• How to talk to your wife about your pornography use

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Show Notes:

• Dr. Peter Kleponis’s Website
• Dr. Kleponis’s book on pornography addiction
• Integrity Restored
• Covenant Eyes Accountability